Cork Drug Dealer Claims He’s Just “Boosting Employment”

CORK, IRELAND — In what some are calling a bold, if unconventional, economic strategy, a local man known only as Mick “The Mixmaster” O’Sullivan has claimed that his street-level drug operation is “creating jobs” for Cork.

Speaking to reporters while carefully adjusting his sunglasses in a dark alley off Patrick Street, Mick explained:

“Look, I’m basically like a startup. I’ve got delivery people, logistics coordinators, and even a customer service team. If that’s not employment, I don’t know what is.”

Mick’s “employees” reportedly include his cousin, his neighbor, and at least three individuals who may or may not be professional skateboarders.

Local economist Dr. Fiona McCarthy weighed in:

“I’ve never seen so much ‘innovation’ in a cash-based business. It’s like Uber, but, you know… with more risk and less tax reporting.”

Meanwhile, city authorities are reportedly less impressed. One Garda spokesperson noted:

“While we appreciate entrepreneurial spirit, Cork’s unemployment rate is not intended to be reduced by illegal street commerce.”

Despite the legal concerns, Mick insists he’s making a positive impact:

• Job Creation: “I’ve got five people earning cash daily!”
• Skills Development: “People learn negotiation, time management, and how to avoid the cops.”
• Economic Stimulus: “Every euro spent is basically circulating in the local economy.”

Local residents are divided. Some admire his confidence, while others complain about the unexpected noise, questionable smells, and a suspicious amount of tie-dye t-shirts appearing in windows.

When asked about his long-term plans, Mick paused, looked thoughtful, and replied:

“Eventually, I want to IPO… but like, in a really underground way. And maybe get into franchising. Cork is only the beginning.”

Cork City Council has not yet commented, but insiders speculate the phrase “job creation” will now officially require clarification in all council meeting